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Expectations overwhelmed me. Everything surrounded me was nothing and that "nothing"-mess felt even more meaningless. Waking up every day with the same mindset, I thought I was losing grip on reality. Things I knew became clear and concise and scary at the same time. I saw it as a hollowed shell waiting for it to be cracked. On top of everything else, life choices and decisions became trivial. I felt the necessity with my limited brain capacity to think and react was to do something about it. Limited to do, feel, act, express anything and everything brought me to the brink of claustrophobia. 

I questioned everything, the way I felt, my purpose, my life and even why I am here. I couldn't come up with anything. Trifled and motivated to find the fallacy in me and question it. Researched and brainstormed. When I hit a dead end, I looked for how to tackle that feeling. What could it mean? If it did say something, then what should I do with it?

Had I gone to anyone with that self, I would be isolated. Most would have been subjective and disregarded my contentions. Some part of me had felt insecurity towards those who loved or hated me. Even I categorized my self to be "depressed," I wasn't though. I wanted answers, if not, a direction towards it. Frustrated by the amount of effort I exerted, it drove my insanity to sanity. 

Days and months had passed, and thoughts to improve myself had sprung up. "I was looking at the wrong direction because there wasn't any direction." I searched aimlessly for answers that I wanted to get like a brat. Even if answers had come to me, I was blinded to realize it. I needed to have a structure in my life, find a base point, a sense of myself. I brewed up a science experiment on me. Where I am the scientist, who experiments, observes and make changes to myself. It sounds stupid I know. I was baffled by my approach on this. To find the questions and answers to what I don't know yet while having a bit of structure that I do not have and document it. So my first experiment was to create a website. 

The pursuit brings nostalgia. I remembered spending hours and hours trying to create a blog as if my life had depended on it. A blog(website) that had crazy functionality that would take years for a beginner to build. As in, how to create a site from scratch. How to code. Utilities that I would need. How to design, host and publish. Even now, a voice echoes with excitement. I wanted to create it by myself because I felt that I could do it if I wanted to.

Blogs are a great way to track and recall. Almost everyone has some blog or a journal or a therapist. Now, I have one as well, no...not a therapist but a blog that I call iluMUNNAte. I wanted to create this so that I remember what I had felt and gone through as I did. A place to record my experiences. The motivation to develop this at the end of 2017 led me to be here.

I spent hours to learn how to do the basics. Once I got the knack of the basics, I moved on to more advanced codes to tweak and customize. Days that I found myself frustrated with progress. I was able to create a primary site, but it wasn't what I wanted. I made revisions, changed platforms and even reverted to see if I could use those code and repurpose it.

At some point, I hit a milestone and a goal to have a website before the near year started. I had to submit to myself. I do not know everything. What I do know is that I have a desire to learn. To accept the unknown and pursue the path to become a just person is what I want. With that pure thought in mind, I can feel that my struggles are growing challenges each day. I want to hold myself accountable and continue this process. Something inside of me had initiated a fire inside of me. It has found a way to track and record all that makes me, Munna.