Honor Thy Father
Fathers are essential, and that's not to discredit the mothers. Each brings unique skills and perspectives different from those of other parents. My mother, for instance, played a significant role in my life, providing comfort and reassurance during difficult times. But what is the significance that fathers bring to the children? Why are they vital for children's growth and role models to the future generation of fathers?
My dad and I weren't close. I was a kid who loved to explore, got in trouble, and failed at anything related to school. And I got punished for them. Not the slap-on-the-wrist-kind, they were brutal. Scars left from the beating lasted for weeks and made it difficult to sleep on the back. I cried myself to sleep, and that left me fear not to do the very thing that got me the beating. Well, I tried and failed, and the cycle repeated. It all changed even more when we moved to the U.S.A. He and I were distant.
Often, the void and beating left me questioning whether I was a ragdoll they found on the streets. I was alone. When I ran to my mother, I felt reassured that I was theirs and that things would be OK. There was solace in the present comfort, but I wasn't OK deep down. How could I be? In the U.S.A., I felt a different fear from my parents; if I didn't behave, they would send me back. And with my history, I once again tried my best to fulfill their desires.
The snags I faced along the path of teenhood were complicated to handle. With the lack of parental presence, I sought friends who filled the void, which also got me in trouble. It led me to therapy with my parents, which I didn't want. I protested that I didn't want to feel judged, treated differently, and isolated in the household. However, the counselors insisted. Eventually, my father and I went, yet I could feel his disappointment and failure to raise me.
My father, hailing from a different part of the world with a distinct cultural background, struggled to adapt to the Western parenting style. His upbringing mirrored mine, and the therapist's questioning of his cultural background and parenting skills left him feeling defeated. Over time, these thoughts numbed him, pushing me further away. The little attention I used to receive turned into an obligation. We spoke less, and I saw him less. And at the start of my adulthood, he passed away in his sleep.
When the opportunity arose for me to explore the world on my own, I seized it. The knowledge and values my father had instilled in me gave me the courage to face the world. Despite feeling lost and confused, I longed for my father's presence. After a while, I needed to reconcile with him and put our differences to rest. I sought peace and the only way I could find it was by visiting his grave and having a heartfelt conversation with him.
When I had time, I drove to him, sat on the grass, and reminisced about our interaction. I would cry. I wished he could see me now. I wished for his presence and guidance when I felt lost. I would share my views, wants, and needs, which he didn't fulfill or couldn't provide. But in that moment, I found it in me to forgive him and thank him for his meticulous care in raising me the way he did. The values and perspectives he instilled are with me every day. Specific experiences and practices that I know now end with me, and my good morals will continue.
Recently, I had the opportunity to engage in a profound conversation with a Christian and religious Father. Our hour-long discussion was enlightening. It provided me with a sense of grounding and comfort, allowing me to open up about my struggles and confusion. He helped me realize that I had become a prisoner of the fast-paced world, forgetting what truly mattered—my thoughts and my well-being. This realization sparked a journey of introspection and self-realization, a transformative 'aha' moment that I desperately needed.
It was a long drive back, and I thought about myself, my actions, challenges, needs, and wants. I am still sorting out all of these, but I have a vision and a path to walk towards. The sense of direction motivates me to seek more within, and I can feel the cultivation of hope. There is a purpose. I can't quite fathom what they all are, but I know I am walking on the right path. I have some decisions that I will have to make. What is important to me?
