The beautiful thing about my mind, it is filled. My life, career, the present and current path, and even the future I am painting, all seem to have meshed. 24/7. Bouncing like a supercharged bunny. I think about anything and everything. What is that person doing? What am I doing? Why are cats afraid of cucumbers? Who let the dogs out? Things seem to pile up. An endless repetitive mind dumping ground. How did it get here?
Watched this video yesterday and made me pause, think, grow and be drawn to it. I asked myself, Who am I? The prisoners chained or the one that was free? Yes, it is buried, yet it made me contemplate my own self about the video.
Found myself to hit the jackpot of Free Advice! What I should and shouldn't do is the first payment. Depending on the person, I graciously accepted their genuine concerns about and for me. It showed love and endearment. Their motivation, encouragement is appreciated since they wanted to see me succeed. For all the good or wrong reasons, I am thankful.
I, on the other hand, am overwhelmed by all of it. I realized that I was taking in everyone's expectations and I found myself exhausted and empty. It left me to have no expectation of and for myself.
And it's not crazy or stupendous at all that I feel my cup is full. Remembered this saying from a movie, The Forbidden Kingdom,
"How can you fill a cup that is already full?"
The answer to that...I haven't found it yet. I will say that I am on my way to it. I should increase my expectation while minimizing other's hope for the potential me. Until I am satisfied with myself, no one can provide my expectation except, me.
Resentment is not going to get me there, but building up the courage to withstand the struggle, will. Each day is a new day that I can keep practicing. One day, it will happen. It has to, and if it doesn't then, it's not meant to be. Overlooking the past won't get me to where I want to go. The steps I take will. What are these steps? I notice that there are days I wake up with purpose and things that I want to do. Magically and without coffee, those days become productive and exciting. I faced droughts days to get through. The purpose that happened to be lost.
How is that possible?
If I were to compare myself to a stranger, some part of me can relate but I know 100% that I can't be them. If I can't be me, when I am me, and if I can't be them as me, then who am I? What is purpose? Is it that I am here to find out that I have no purpose? Is it to accept that all that I am doing at this exact moment is to come to the term that there are none? If that is true, then...what. Where to go and what to do?
Ideology in my book is the most devastating disease of all. Everyone wants to push their ideologies and shove it down to someone. Disregarding the perspective and the will; it is not healthy. I remembered the saying, respect is earned not taken. I value it. I also value that everyone is entitled to hold their opinion and choices. I may not accept all that you believe in or at all, and that should be allowed.
Going back to video, Plato's Allegory of Cave, I feel that I am the person who had broke free from society's shackles. I went and dowsed myself with something. That something is providing me with thoughts and perspectives that I never have had. My outlook in life that I have had overlooked. My mind that have created all the fallacy. It tried to fit into the facade and then somewhere along the line of then and now, a revelation had happened.
Experiment to emptying my cup, I was allowed and left with hope. To see where this will lead me to. For better or worse, the destination will be unique. I am not the same as anyone before, now, or after me. If I were to be compared, some may have had it better or worse. What I am experiencing is something extraordinary. It cannot be explained in mere words, rationalize or comprehend it. I cannot explain what is happening or what I am going through.
Advice's received would be only possibility. Something will come out of it, it always does.
