A Symbolic Night
A Street light flashed from red to green, and I realized that I was driving. I felt an uncomfortable yet familiar wind sweep with nostalgia and mess my hair. As if my destination was up ahead, I needed to get there, and I felt this way before. And at that moment, somewhere in the stillness, I caught the end of the Whitesnake song; Here we go again. A few seconds later, it restarted, and I turned the volume down from loud to a whisper. "I traveled down this road before, yet I couldn't tell where I was. How did I get here? What time is it?"
On the dashboard of the egg-shaped car, the semicolon flashed, and it was 10:30 PM. I realized that I was about to cross the bridge and at a speed above the limit. There was a bend on the bridge, and when the car skid, I fought the steering wheel to keep myself in the lane. The immediate danger, a flight-freeze-panic reaction, caused an eerie sensation to travel from the back of my neck to my tailbone. That's when I realized I was far from home and on my way to the resting place.
"Easy there, Seabiscuit! I said out loud. By then, I felt the discomfort from the hairs on my arms prickle through the red flannel shirt. It was an annoying feeling. Adrenaline pumped and piqued all of my senses. I was everywhere, and everything was I. I listened to the waves crashing ashore and felt the need to glide each hand over my arms. The action lowered the hair, and I felt calm. I realized that I created this coping mechanism to alleviate the God-awful feeling of being alone.
The self-soothing good feeling came to a screeching halt. It turned into loneliness and brewed an angry storm. I started to hear the songs of a Siren in the distance, beyond the cloudy sky. The pungent smell of doubt called a lingering echo; what's the point of coming here? You might as well turn around, head back home. Sleep it off. I panicked and felt someone heard me.
No one was in my passenger seat. I did a double-take look, and there was no one in the back seat. When I looked again at the rearview mirror, and that's when I saw my thoughts turn into hideous figures. Human looking with the menacing face, bloodshot eyes, mouth breathing hellfire, and made loud screeches. I made eye contact, and I felt the scornful eyes looking at the child within me. I felt scared. Vulnerable. Weak. Pathetic.
"But we are here already, seconds from parking. Let's enjoy the moment." a child-like voice spoke. The morbid silence rattled my reality, and I started to hear noises. I paid attention, listened to it closely, and it resembled waves crashing ashore. But my waves were emotional. Each wave took away a portion of wonder, play, excitement, curiosity, and joy. I started to reason with myself, which became challenging to drive. The belittlement caused a commotion. However, a part of me wanted to see where the night would take me.
In the middle of the Weymouth Beach Parking Lot, I pulled up and pahked my cah. It was an empty parking lot, and from inside the car, the beach looked vast. No one was in sight. But then, I noticed the space inside the vehicle began to shrink. I thought, "Is this what a chick feels before coming out of its shell?" I wanted to get out; everything felt fake. A slight movement hit the plastics on the side while my legs pecked on the glove compartment. I felt trapped and immobilized. I gasped for air and twisted the plastic handle with my clammy hand to bring down the window. I began to BREATHE and COUNT to EIGHT.
The cold and salty air felt nice. The clouds above me scattered and disappeared in the distance. I realized that I was aware and on a path to calm down. The ocean and the beach felt quiet and peaceful, and it was all for me. I couldn't hear the Seagulls, Humans, or the loud honking machines. Everyone and everything was fast asleep. Even my car was fast asleep beneath a street light, but I felt I was in the center of a stage. Perhaps, it is a sign from up above to shed light on troubles and find clarity.
Afar, to my left, a brightly lit City hovered above the water, and the reflection gave it a glistening effect. The City was a jewel, radiating all sorts of colors in all directions. I thought, "That's where I was thirty minutes ago." And on my right, I saw darkness, where lights faded. That's where I wanted to be. I chuckled a little and thought, "I could have fallen asleep at home." Yet, there I was, at a beach, with a reason to be there.
The universe looked vast from down below. It made me feel like a speck of sand on the beach. It only has a purpose when others notice. That's when I felt to vomit. I thought, "other's step on it, build promises, and crumbles it down, as they see fit." I questioned, "how different was I in comparison to the sand?" What I want, wanted, or what's good for me seemed trifling. I wailed and contributed my portion to the Sea.
Thoughts clashed ashore, and I began to allow the vast universe to give me what I don't know and need. I thought, "how interesting it is that the very thing that I want is a question that I can't answer. Maybe if I do the answer, it will be instant gratification, which I don't want." I thought of the reason for me to come to the beach. Yet, I couldn't remember what I did during the day. What is it that I need? What is it that I am seeking?
Whoever wrote the literary fictional world seemed to spark the Edgar Allen Poe within me. I observed and noticed the shift that I was about to unravel a mystery. I saw Big waves brought joy from beneath the Sea, afterward, tiny waves that look all of it away. I saw treasured memories of laughter and smiles resurfaced, and then small crabs with giant claws dug holes and buried them. "That's absurd," I said, "How can both coexist, the different sizes of waves? Which one do I want the most?"
The duality of nature left me with more questions than answers. The frustration grew as I shoveled beneath my ego to answer. I tortured my ego and got nothing in the process and thought, "that's what it wants!" Time passed, and I looked above to see the dark blue sky with a round glowing ball. I sighed and felt defeated. "I, too, wanted to be a tiny crab and dig myself to feel the pressure from the emotional and physical sand."
(Everything became Silent!)
A mystical wave of acceptance crashed ashore. Unable to change the fabric of nature, I felt at ease. It transformed into a setting that quieted the clamors in my head and balanced it. I felt comfortable sharing my private thoughts and didn't care who might have heard. I felt empowered by my thoughts that I decided to walk in the Cold Sand. I threw rocks against the waves, watched it skid on top of the water. Some of the flat stones skid three or four times before it went "doop" at the end. I saw a single white light reflect in the distance, traced it to the sky, and saw a bright star reflecting on the Sea.
It felt exciting to see the water reflecting a light that I didn't know how far it was. But then I remembered, Geppetto once did the same and asked for his wish to come true. I did the same and hoped that resides within me can fight a good fight for another day. That someday, I will have all the answers to all the questions that my heart desires. On such a day, I will know how to untangle myself from chaos, respect its grasp and then leave it alone. But tonight, midnight approaches, and I want to see my wish come true.
