A tune to feel
The struggle was "real," when feelings became prevalent, and I didn't know how to express them. It is, was, and will be until I die; however, I have hope to be better with time. At a young age, I thought of the world and how much it was a playground. That the playing meant learning, growing, experimenting, and feeling fulfilled. Somewhere along the passage of time and in-between, sanity and maturity, I was limited. I felt limited in all aspects of growth and curiosity. It felt awful.
And then, a mumbled hum turned into blow-horn, turned into a liberating feeling to sing out loud, in the shower. I can be anything, feel anything, and express anything in any form. I can be a country singer and emphasize all the words with a deep voice. Or an artist who is singing and dancing at the same time. Or be a rock star with his cock-a-doodle-do out, literally.
The om-like atmosphere feels fantastic, with water falling on the neck and music echoing in the bathroom. As if a part of self attunes to emotion and lets go of inhibition. Not one of those validation-seeking kinds in Harry Potter, when the Fat Lady sings, breaks the glass on the wall. I can do that, too.
Whereas ten minutes into a solo-hike to complete an NH48 mountain turns to be a different story. Forming that solo acapella group and singing Shake It Off by Taylor Swift at the top of the lungs to ignore the man-boob perspiration feels, nice and motivational. The not-so-good idea is when a hiker is in sight, the word from my mouth stops, s/he passes, and then they burst out laughing. That's when the subconscious matters a heck of a lot more, and silence feels deafening.
Or when Dixie and I head home at night and start our decaffeination process. The two cups of coffee have to exit our system, somehow. Our volume maxes at 65, singing cheesy music such as Dance Monkey by Tones and I, or It's like Rain by Alanis Morrissette, or True by Spandau Ballet. And then, yellow light turns to red, and I am seated next to an old couple looking at me with the face.
What is wrong with these youth these days?
Over time, these sudden moments and experiences turn into laughter. The eye contact with hikers and old couples screams with an "I don't care" attitude. And it's not to be rude to anyone or mean it in any form. It just happens to be that the youthful self vibrates at the mature frequency. And those feelings that arise when others feel and mean something that I don't care for means nothing. And that once thought "struggle" feels a matter of just that, a thought.
And in that small moment, within time, I feel I am at peace.
