A solitary moment with myself is one of the things I love about myself. And I do it without feeling coerced, forced, or self-critical to the point of an existential crisis. It feels sometimes challenging to love me without bashing myself. And when that happens, I remind myself that I am rubbing myself the wrong way. Often it turns into a chuckle, and irritation subsides.
Beatrix and I were alone the other night. I turned up the heat to feel cozy and sat on the grey sofa while savoring on a sneakers ice-cream bar.
Why during the winter months?
For starters, I am not going to grab that yellow icicle on the sidewalk and start licking. And when I ask myself, a little entitled voice from within response with, "because I am craving so!"
When I gazed upon the corner of my phone, I noticed that I got home at 6:00 PM, and it was 7:00 PM. Somehow, the feeling of disgust washed all over me, and I knew why. I noticed that I stared at my phone for the last hour. I started to talk to myself and said, "You have worked hard. It's okay to unbuckle and let the pants loose. And have fun!" It didn't feel right. I must have scrolled through 1000 posts on Facebook and Instagram, seeing others "living life" during COVID. I watched epic fail videos and whatever popped up in-between. An hour of memory, thoughts, and feelings that I had no recollection of, nor would I get them back.
There it is! A void exists within.
Filling it in because of a craving.
Time lost, and it won't return.
A hallowed "joyless" self reborn.
Realizing what I had done, I turned away from the phone and looked elsewhere, anywhere that didn't suck my soul out. And then, I saw myself at the window, just the reflection of my head. I found myself to be amused by staring at myself, staring at myself. I saw my past, my current self sitting and wondering, and a future self trying to figure out the next thing to do. I made funny faces, and then they all started to intertwine into one. I felt scared for a moment and then I felt energized.
That was one heck of an ice-cream bar.
The phone became my kryptonite, and I noticed that I was addicted to it, depended on it. I plugged it into charging and tossed it away. I couldn't allow myself to stick to another hour of nothingness. So I got up and picked up my laundry basket. It wasn't laundry day, but I was bothered by my action. This time, I was annoyed that I knew the consequences and did it anyway. As I walked downstairs to do my laundry, I thought that it would have been okay to cast myself into the void forever. I thought, now that I bashed myself, how can I uplift and feel the pleasures. Then it hit me.
What if I focused on doing my laundry the same way I did on the phone? Folded my clothes differently? How many ways can I do it? Are there ways to do it that I haven't done it yet?
Another aspect of myself that I love is that I am curious by nature. There is a persistent self that loves to poke at the impossibility and carve out a possibility that can exist. After an hour of folding, right before bed, I felt accomplished. That perhaps I have mastered a portion of myself and learned self-restraint. And it felt great!
